2024
Was a big year. I got COVID-19 for the first time at Anthrocon. The brainfog, exhaustion, and lung sensitivity have faded after a few months, and now I feel back to normal, thank fuck.
I tried weed for the first time. I actually prefer the feeling of being slightly drunk to the feeling of being high. I ran a Dungeons and Dragons one-shot for my online friends.
My relationship opened up and I am now polyamorous. In theory. But also in practice? I like a form of polyamory where I can exist in an unlabeled space with various people. Are they a partner, a friend with benefits, a queer platonic partner? Don’t know, so far don’t care. I sure haven’t kissed or fucked anyone else thus far, but I am enjoying the new freedoms that come with this. No more distancing people because I am afraid of it counting as cheating and hurting my partner. Instead, communicating to him how I feel and letting myself feel it. So, entertaining my crushes instead of squashing them down. Not pulling away when a friend wants to hug or hold hands. Accepting flirting rather than rejecting it.
I am enjoying it. I enjoy hanging out with people and feeling a glow of “I don’t know what we are, but I love it.” Perhaps you read this and think I have problems and shouldn’t feel this much complexity about stuff some friends do. Well, I dunno. I’m happier now that we’re using different words for it, isn’t that what matters?
I find myself liking the idea of relationship anarchy a lot, and even went through the relationship anarchy smorgasbord with my primary partner. But that’s just it. My current partner is my primary partner. No amount of changing around words will change the fact that I will be viewing my relationships in a “hierarchical” way. I spent the last 6 years in an exclusive relationship with my partner, and plan to spend the rest of my life with him, no matter what form our relationship takes. He is my first in everything. I do not think that this is a bad thing. But this is a thing that is incompatible with the ideology of RA. Also I have no qualms with people who do want a traditional monogamous marriage. I think everyone should live the life they want forever and boundaries around exclusivity aren’t restrictive if both people are fine with it. Those two aspects completely turn me off from identifying as a relationship anarchist. I am not… More moral or more complex than anyone else, just because I want to kiss multiple people…
Also in regards to relationships in general, I’ve made and lost some this year. As opposed to nothing new for many previous years. I was never a person who had… Real life friends. I ate alone at lunch in school, didn’t socialize at work or in college, etc. My partner had been my only IRL friend for years. But that all changed in 2024. Months of attending local furry meetups paid off, and the passing familiarity of others turned into friendships with them. I also made some friends who were much older than me. Around 50. Knowing older queer people meant a lot to me. I helped them move out. Carried bins and boxes down the stairs for them, put them into the car. They are across the country now. I loved going to their apartment to play board games and watch movies. They’ve handed some stuff down to me. One of these items previously belonged to a friend of theirs who died from HIV complications many years ago. It is a metal bottle opener, shaped like a buff man wearing nothing but a speedo.
I hope that I can become the person you come over to see for a chill night out. I got the board game Wyrmspan and look forward to having friends over to play it. We plan on hosting a friend for a few days soon, we deep cleaned and re-arranged the apartment in order to accommodate people coming over.
I also started a new job in late 2024. It’s retail, and it’s boring, but it’s the best I’ve had thus far. And I actually have a loose friendship with some coworkers. I feel like I’m finally learning how to socialize in general, and how to socialize with others as a man. Past coworkers I either wasn’t out to, or they speculated about my gender behind my back and treated me like an exotic animal for being queer rather than as a human, but these ones are either unaware of my trans status as I pass or know it and respect me anyways. It’s nice. I have a lot to learn about existing in general, especially as a man. Last January I wrote an essay about gender and presentation stuff. I plan to write another one and publish it on the 11th or earlier, to update my thoughts on it all.
Artwork
I had… An interesting relationship to art this year. What were my goals for 2024, as written at the end of 2023? I’d say I definitely embraced my style more. Didn’t model much at all aside from a few blocky things to use as references for perspective. And the intention and meaning thing… I think so! I definitely dropped a lot of the pressure in 2024. I’m still growing into what I want my art of the future to be. I’ve learned a lot this year. Mostly that I don’t want to do owed art and I don’t want to do custom work. I’ve been having a LOT of fun with my comic! I’m honestly struggling to write about art stuff. I don’t know.
I just want to let go. I want to continue my top surgery comic, maybe do some other comic stuff. If I want to do some pretty meaningful stuff, I will do that too. I think I’d like to draw more birds. Maybe observe some animals in real life and draw still lifes of them. I also want to do a lot more porn. I had an idea of doing a series of “challenging” alien erotica. Where it’s downright concerning to think someone would want to have sex with that strange, strange being. Yet that being a sort of deep call to intimacy and openness. I dunno!
2025
Read one book a month
Work out twice a week
Reach goal weight (I’m scrawny and want to gain.)
Those are the physically trackable goals. Otherwise: Continue to engage and connect with people in real life and online. More friends! More connections! I joined my city’s chapter of the Democratic Socialists of America, I wanna meet more involved people and contribute to mutual aid. Especially queer feminist activism and nature conservation. I want to. The activists I see online all say to go find real activists and work with them, but I’m struggling to find and reach them, living so far from the city right now, only able to connect online… I want to change that!
Oh, right, and therapy. I'm seeing a therapist again. I think I hit my rock bottom in 2024. I'm climbing out of that and becoming someone I like.
I never was good at writing the ending of these essays. As an American, there is a lot to dread in store for 2025, but I am going to carve out hope for myself anyways. Hope and love are rebellion in a country run off despair and individualism. No war but class war.
Last updated January 1, 2025